“I’m in love with Montana. For other states I have admiration, respect, recognition, even some affection. But with Montana it is love. And it’s difficult to analyze love when you’re in it.”

My heart is both heavy with loss, and light with new beginnings.

The loss is heavy...it is the loss of everything I have known so intimately for almost a dozen years; most of my adult life. Heavy with the loss of family and friends that are currently in arms reach.  Heavy with the loss of community, familiarity, and love, so much love.

The lightness is in anticipation of new adventures, a new set of family and friends within arms reach, exploring new communities, and love, so much love.

We are losing so much.  We are gaining so much.  And all of it is so painful and so beautiful.  My heart is constantly wrenching between anguish and joy.

We are moving.

We are leaving the place where we met, where we fell in love, where we had our babies, where we made our home together.  We are leaving the place where Grandma and Grandpa's arms are just a short drive away.  We are leaving my best girlfriend in the world, who was there for both my babies' births and just plain there for me always. We are leaving the place where our friends are so familiar, trustworthy and loving that I can think of them only as family.

We are heading to a place that is equally full of love, familiarity and family.  We are heading back to the town I was raised in, heading back to my roots.  And, in a way, Mace's roots too.  He was born in Minnesota, although he hasn't lived there since he was five, but some of his family is there too and well, roots are roots.

One place is not better than the other, and that is what is so hard to explain to the people we are leaving behind. We've discovered though, after Claire was born, that having two kids and not having family in the immediate vicinity is hard.  Really hard.  So, we are moving toward an area that is more densely populated with our family.  A decision that was gut-wrenchingly hard to come to in so many ways, and easy and obvious in other ways.

On a deeply personal and emotional level this move is hard for me.  Montana is the place where I found myself, grew into myself, and finally fell in love with myself.  Leaving the place that has so profoundly impacted my inner-self is scary.  What if I lose that part of myself I worked a dozen years to gain?  I know that statement is oozing with silliness, but my roots have grown firmly here as well.  I am who I am today because of Missoula. The mountains have been more than just a backdrop all these years.  They've been a spiritual presence, they've been peacefulness, they have brought me fitness and health and clear mindedness. I am who I am because of the people here...Mace, my daughters, my in-laws and my friends.  And so much of that daily equation will be taken away in our move.

I imagine those holes will be patched over time and I know everything and everyone waiting for us in Minnesota will help ease these losses...

We are going to be living across the driveway from my parents.  Anna will be over the moon to see her Poppy and Gammy everyday, and after living away for so long this will be the perfect way to make up for lost time.

This will be the first time in a dozen years that me and all of my siblings will be living in the same place.  We are excited out of our minds to be so close to each other.  Sister sleepover? BAM!  Sibling dinner party?  DONE!

Anna and Claire's relationships with their cousins will be so cool to witness.  They have fun when they are together now and play as only little girls can play.  As they grow older this will only change into a solid, beautiful support for one another.

We have friends anxiously waiting our arrival.  Friends that we have worked so hard to stay in touch with over the years and that we are excited to fall back in step with.  The kind of friends that even if you don't talk for six months, you can pick up where you left off.

A bigger city and bigger population brings more opportunity.  I am looking forward to stepping toward some sort of culinary career and having the freedom and time to explore this.  We are excited to try new restaurants, wineries and breweries.  We are excited to explore new parks, new trails and new campsites.  The newness of it all is very appealing.

I cannot measure if one is a bigger loss or a greater gain, but the thing that's made leaving easier is knowing that we will always be back.  We will always have a Montana connection.  Our family is here, our friends are here, and a large part of our hearts will always be here.  How could it not?  So much has happened here and there's no way to leave such a large part of our story behind and never look back.  Oh no.  We will always come back to Montana for those long summer nights to bask with our loved ones.  And for those short winter days to ski in the quiet of the mountains and sit by the fire at night.  And to soak up the peace and the unending love and the people and all that Montana has given to us.  And always, we will walk with Montana resting snug against our hearts until we can return again, and again.

Holding true to my promise last weekend to get out more, and thanks to a good friend who held me to that promise, we headed up the L on Sunday.  Headed up the L?  What ever do I mean by that?  Well, see, Montanans like to put giant letters made out of concrete on their mountainsides, and there is always a trail to hike you up there to get real up close and personal with these vowels and consonants. 



Usually the letter represents the first name of the city it overlooks, but in the L's case it is for Loyola, a local private high school.  We also have a giant M (can you guess what the M represents?) on the mountain just to the right of the L.  I once told an outta towner that the whole alphabet was on the mountains surrounding the Missoula valley.   "See, L and then there's M.  Look around and you'll find the rest of the letters."  Total lie.  We "only" have L and M.

You know what?  I will admit I am a bit out of shape, but hiking up a steep mountain with 20 pounds strapped to my back was hard!  Like, take my breath away,get me off of this mountain, hard!  We made it to the top though, and the view is always worth it.

Huh, I thought I had a better "view" pic than this...

The Bean, to my total dismay as a mother, appears to be a natural rock climber.  She had no fear tackling that big concrete L and scrambling up as fast as her little legs would carry her.  Don't get me wrong, I want to be supportive and encouraging and excited for Anna to try new things.  But I am terrified of heights and therefore think everyone else should be too.  That said, I am going to promise to do my damndest to always put my own fears aside and allow her to try new things.  I think this is so important for a child...and so I let her climb.




I want to thank my dear friend Jen for getting me out, and also for sharing all these awesome pictures she took during our hike!  Dangit if we didn't get a picture of the three of us...but I suspect there will be more adventures in our future!